Meanderings through a Troubled Mind

The pills held so tight
in the palm of my hands
dissolve under the deluge 
of tears rolling down my cheeks...

The edge of the blade
glints in the fading sunlight
as the smell of gun oil
reeks through the room
clogging my senses 
and fogging my brain

The rhythmic squeaking 
of the swinging rope
lulls me into a daze
as the ceiling fan lazily turns

Should I give in to these urges?
Or let life guide me slowly
Until the end is all that is left?

Reflections on Death

Often I wonder, what does Death feel like?

Is it merely the flick of a switch? First you are on and then you are off?

Or is it a gradual seeping of ice in your veins, spreading from the feet up?

Perhaps it feels as though someone is pulling off the layers of your life, one mistake at a time, the same way we pull of layers of clothes?

Maybe it is a slowly consuming flame that only burns brighter with each attempt to extinguish it?

Do we really see a light at the end of the tunnel?

Are the Angels on standby to play the harp as our souls ascend to Heaven?

Or perchance, those riotous demons are starting a Mexican Wave as they cheer our souls descending into Hell?

What if, despite it being written as our most "painful" experience, it is really our most liberating experience?

This world is a transient state, that we all know...

But, is Death the mode of transport or the actual journey...?

Are we really aware that our time is up in this Earthly domain...

Or does the Angel of Death just yell:  "Surprise! Road trip!" when He comes to collect us?

How much does that trip really cost us?

We save for other trips; have we begun saving for this most important trip?

Even if we do plan, are all our preparations ever going to be enough?

Have we started planning too late?

When Malakal Maut comes knocking, will we be ready? Or just ready to hide...?

So many questions...Not one answer...

Hidden....

They want to know
Why is it that I am always alone?
And they get
The Standard Response
I am happy being JUST ONE...
Yet deep within
The recesses of secret thoughts
Lurks a hidden fear
And despair is hidden
Behind lowered lids
Stemming from self-induced solitude
Forced by a need for safety...
The terror of the unknown
Looms like a Monster
In a dark and forbidding forest
Just waiting to attack
And overpower me
At the slightest sign of weakness...
So I have built a fortress
Of Isolation
Secured by a moat
Of Silence
Yet still I hear them
Creeping outside in the dark...
And when the quiet deafens...
I hear them bay...
They sense my angst
And stalk my scent..
They Know I know they are out there
And I know they know...
So I seal myself in tighter
Hoping it will keep me safe
From Betrayal...loss...disappointment...
And these secrets
Must remain secret
So I smile
And I lie
And feign contentment
All the while
Keeping my fingers crossed
In the hopes
That I will be successful
With my deceit...

~S~

Love...

He asked how I feel about him

And I replied

That each time I hear his name

I feel a gentle happiness

at the thought of his existence

He asked again

How is it I feel

When I am with him?

And I replied

It feels as though

My nervous heart

Is taking flight

Once more he asked

Why do I care about him so?

I replied with

A simple secret smile…

And a private thought

That perhaps

Love cannot be explained…

~Shamshaad~

The contradiction of the mask

The misconception of depth
Portrayed day by day
Allows for a pretty mask
To hide behind...
Those flowing words
And smiling eyes
Hide an emptiness
Beneath a concrete floor...
A cavern lacking the courage
To create an echo
Padded walls
Concealing a trapped mind
Pleading for emancipation
To be free to contaminate
The world with this ugliness
Drowning within the shallows
Behind the abyss...
The mask remains tight
The Sheltering chasm
Keeping this monstrosity safe...

Just wondering...

Listening to love songs,
Some old and some new,
Wondering if there's anyone out there
Who wonders about me
When the lyrics dance across the air
And the words are sung from the heart?

Is there a special someone
Lurking somewhere in the sideline
Who is too afraid to come forward
But is silently wondering
How good we would be together?

Or am I  destined to be
Forever alone
Roaming the great big world
Wondering
Wandering
Seeking true love
But finding
Only pain?

Performance of a fool...

When you look my way,

What is it that you see?

Do you see the coldness

that surrounds my heart?

Or are you fooled

by the warmth of my smile?

Do you see the emptiness

lurking within my eyes?

Or are you fooled

by the completeness of my words?

When you gaze upon this made up face,

are you fooled by the illusion of perfection?
Do you even notice the gouges created

by the scalding tears that race down my cheeks when I am alone?

When you hear my thoughts,

do you even know

what it is that I am going through?

Or are you content

to continue being fooled

by my misleading laughter?

I play the fool,

You enjoy the show,

What goes on within,

You will never know…

~Shamshaad~