Who are you when nobody else is
looking?
Personally, that is a very difficult
question to answer. I am still on a quest to find myself. However,
when I am left alone with myself, I find that I am often afraid of what I am
faced with. It is rather disappointing that I seem to make a better super
villain than super hero.
Life has been
a roller-coaster ride recently…a roller-coaster with a few
loose nuts and in dire need of oiling. I seem to be falling into an
endless abyss of darkness…more downs than ups…
In this search for myself, I seem to
be losing a lot more than I am gaining. Perhaps my method of pursuit is
incorrect…perhaps my map has been wrongly drawn. I haven’t a clue as to
what I should do next or how to read the guiding signs.
I find myself staring into space,
trying to make sense of what I see. And then I realise, I am on the
outside, looking down into this snow-globe called Earth…
A shake here, and this bit is covered
with snow, a shake there and that portion is left without water…it is a game
and I am the clueless fan sitting on the stands and trying to make sense of the
rules. Sadly, my rule-book is for a different game.
There is this darkness within me that
I am afraid to unleash. What if it is a force beyond my control?
Sometimes I wonder, if I pass myself
on the street, what would I think of me? Sometimes I wonder…why am I
wondering at all? It isn't as if anyone cares really…
I don’t know if I am losing my
mind. How would I know if I were crazy? Surely the world would
still seem normal to me? It’s just the people around me who would realise
my strangeness…
I often fantasize about meeting
myself. Would I find myself at the bottom of the ocean trying to drown my
sorrows? Or perhaps at the highest peak of Mt Everest, having overcome
all of my trials and tribulations…?
I do know that, right at this moment,
I am floating in a sensory deprivation tank…I do not know what is happening
around me… I’m operating on autopilot. Every task is so meaningless to
me. As a teenager, I was very much an introvert. Always with my
nose in a book, I never took much notice of the world around me. But…and
a very big but it is…I was never boring. Hobbies have a way of keeping
you grounded. A dog, a book, music, embroidery, baking, sport… okay…not
so much of sport but still…
These days, if someone asks me, “So,
what do you do for fun?” I am totally stumped for an answer. I've now
decided to make some time for myself. I've decided to
become a little bit selfish. I have begun practicing to say no when I
cannot cope with an extra project and to finally do the things that make me
happy.
This decision has been long
overdue. There is so much to be accomplished on a daily basis.
There just aren't enough hours in a day to do them all. I
guess prioritizing is the key to success. Complete the most
important tasks first, then start with the most difficult of the non-essential
tasks, leaving out the ones that can wait.
I need to redefine myself. To
find an identity that I am comfortable with. Somewhere along this road of
life, I really have lost myself. The short temper, the sarcasm, the total
lack of niceness within me…this seems to be the true me.
Was I ever a nice person? Was I ever
in the least bit like-able? I look at this monster that I have
become and I wonder, what went wrong?? Was anything ever right?
Stress is a pathetic excuse for being
a nasty human being. My lot in life may not be perfect, but, by far, it
is a lot better than many others’. Surely I need to be more grateful for
all that I have been given? It’s all well and good to utter the words,
practice is far more difficult.
I wonder how much of effort it will
take to be a good person, as this descent into depravity hardly took any time
at all.
They say the first step toward finding
a cure is admitting to yourself that you have a problem in the first
place. So, this is me…taking my first step into developing a better me…
Forward; MARCH!
~Shamshaad~
