Perfect...

He says I'm perfect

Just the way I am 

But I wonder 

When he looks at my scars 

Does he fear me? 

Do the battles I have fought 

Intimidate him? 

He says I'm beautiful 

And grow more so each day 

But this doubt creeps in

At the back of my mind 

What if this is just a sweet lie 

A temporary temptation 

Until someone better 

Catches his eye? 

He says I'm perfect 

And I don't need to change 

Yet I feel inadequate 

Like a weed 

In his garden of perfection... 

Yet he still insists 

That I am perfect 

Just the way I am.... 

~S~

38 Sleeping Pills

I unscrew the bottle cap

And empty out the pills 

Onto the kitchen table... 

There's 38 pills in the bottle 

I know nothing else 

But I know this

I sat and counted them 

One lonely evening 

38 Sleeping Pills in a bottle... 

I don't know how I feel 

And I don't know what to think 

But I do know 

That those 38 pills

Can open a doorway 

To another world 

I don't know who sees my pain

And I don't know how to share it 

But I do know 

That I have 

38 pills in a bottle 

And they could take the pain away 

They call out to me 

Those pills in that bottle

They sing me a sweet lullaby 

Of lands unchartered 

And depths undiscovered 

And I feel myself lulled into oblivion 

By the 38 Sleeping pills 

In the bottle beside my bed... 

Just 1 will do the trick 

But if 1 feels so good... 

Surely 37 more

Will feel even better... 

So I count them again... 

I have 38 Sleeping pills 

In a bottle.... 

~S~

I miss you

As the sun

Sings her melody

And flows 

Over the land

There are clouds

Weeping 

A little storm 

Within my heart 

The birds

March to the beat

Of the drums

Of their people 

While emptiness 

Crowds my soul

All of nature

Runs around

Working hard 

Taking advantage 

Of this beautiful day 

But memories of you

Fill my mind

And I am paralyzed 

With grief.. 

I dreamt of you

And it felt so real

That when I awoke 

I expect to hear you 

Call out my name

And in the resounding silence 

My heart broke 

Over and over again 

I miss you...

~S~

Empty Promises

These empty promises

I make to you 

Of how things will be 

When we're together 

They play on my conscience 

But the truth is 

We both know... 

These words 

They mean nothing 

They are a sweet fantasy 

In the midst of

A sweeter moment.. 

But all they will ever be 

Is a pipe dream 

And an empty promise 

Of things we wish we had 

But never will... 

~S~

The Attack

A frisson of fear 

Runs down my spine

As the monster

Extends its tentacles 

Towards me

Slowly sliding

Up my torso 

It wraps around 

My fragile neck 

And slowly starts

To apply pressure 

It's getting harder 

To breathe 

And stars dance

Before my eyes

Tears roll down

My cheek 

And the world 

Fades away

I gasp 

But there's no air 

I try to fight 

But I have no strength 

And I slowly give in

As the panic 

Takes over

And the anxiety 

Is victorious 

In its stealthy attack.... 

No More Regrets

Emblazoned in my mind

Are multitudes of regret 

Of those times when I forgot

Who I am and what I am made of... 

Those times when I chose to be

Who you wanted me to be

Instead of who I should have been 

Every whisper 

Every touch

Those moments 

That felt so right

Those choices I made

That were good at the time 

Return to haunt me 

Over and over again 

I regret every decision 

That was made over time 

When I chose to please 

The wrong half of us

I gave you my all

And you played it like a game 

And I lowered my standards 

Hoping you would see 

My sacrifice for you 

And in the end 

What I'm left with is 

A neglected me... 

So never again 

Will I stoop so low 

And never again

Will I let regret 

Be the norm... 

The one I bare my soul to

The one I bare my soul to

Cannot seem to see

Just how important

He is to me

The one I bare my soul to

Thinks that this is a game

And what we have

Has no given name

The one I bare my soul to

Does not understand

He holds the key to my heart

In the palm of his hand

The one I bare my soul to

Is the only one who's blind

To what secrets my heart holds,

Those treasures he needs to find... 

So I say this tonight 

To whom I bare my soul... 

You are the other half 

That makes me whole... 

~S~