In the pursuit of happiness, we come across many
different things. It is quite strange how we claim to be unique individuals
and yet we rely so much on the opinion of others. It’s actually rather
frightening how much of an influence the opinions of those around us have on
our emotions and self-worth.
Recently, I went to visit a very important someone
in my life. The importance of this person is based purely on her branch
in my family tree and not on any emotional bond we share. Visiting her
out of duty as opposed to actually wanting to always brings my fears and
insecurities to the surface. There are people in our daily lives from
whom we expect unconditional love. She is such a person. Sadly, it
seems she didn’t receive the unconditional love memo.
I am always nervous around her as, no matter what
the circumstances or surroundings, she always has a nasty comment to
pass. I have grown to dread the required calls and forced affection; I am
always on edge, wondering and fearing what new comment will I have to face
now.
There’s always something that never goes
right. If it isn’t dressing and the way I look, it’s the things I do and
the way I do them. It has become the norm to accept criticism.
Regardless of how well a deed is done, there is always a fault to be found.
It’s a funny thing though. Although I am the
only child, I am not the only leaf that stems from this branch of the
tree. There are others, we are 7 in total…all girls…all perfect…except
for me. I wonder sometimes, from where does the criticism stem? Is
there a method to this madness? Is it, on some subconscious level, a way
of motivating me? Or is it because I am thought to be “not good enough”?
There are many such people who cross our paths on a
daily basis. But those that have a part in our past have a great
influence on our future. When you get used to hearing the criticism, a
genuine compliment is taken as a joke. Negativity to that extent leads to
an inferiority complex. It adds to the tension of an already stressed
life.
On the flip side of this coin, there are those
genuinely good people, people whose happiness stems from the happiness of
others, people who will go all out of their way to ensure your comfort
regardless of their own and who never have a harsh word to say to anyone about
anything. People like this seem to be angels in this world of
demons.
I know a someone who is so very special to me; a
friend. This someone I speak to whenever I can, simply because he exudes
and aura of love. No matter how low I feel, he has a way to bring me up
again. I rely on him for a boost, like a happy pill.
I am only human. I have a dependence
issue. I depend on the people surrounding me to dictate my mood.
Some days I will be so happy and energetic, and all it will take is a hurried
reply to deflate me. There are days when I feel so down, all I want to do
is curl up in a ball in a corner and forget my very existence. On those
days, all it takes is a someone’s hello to re-energise me.
We live in ever-changing times and, along with it,
we are surrounded by ever-changing people. There are those who mean the
world to you and for whom you will sacrifice your all. Sometimes, they
take it for granted that you will always be that way with them. All it
takes is 1 lie, 1 broken link in the chain of trust to make that person number
1 on your unwanted list. Sometimes, we hang on to their memories and use
it as a crutch. Sometimes the pain is too much and you cannot bear the
burden of having them around. And sometimes the lines blur and, even
though it’s unbearable to see them every day, it’s a lot worse to not
have them around at all.
In certain instances, we forget that we need to
take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others. We hold
on to the past. Someone once said: “holding on to the past is like
holding on to a cactus; the tighter your grip, the more it hurts.” I
haven’t realized the enormous truth in this statement until recently.
Just recently I have been so focused on the past, I
almost forgot to live in the present and prepare for the future. I had
forgotten what it was to be truly happy and to do the things that ensured my
happiness. I was so busy trying to fit in with the opinions of others, I
had forgotten how important my own opinion is.
Being buried under the negativity makes it very
hard to lift one’s head and look towards the light. Sometimes you need a
reminder of the fact that, despite how someone else may look at you, you should
always look at yourself with love. We are all created with love and given
a life in which the pursuit of happiness is the pursuit of self-love.
I truly believe that, once you have achieved the
ability to look into the mirror and think: “I am perfect and beautiful
for this is the way God made me”, then you are almost at the summit of
happiness. The last few steps are just being grateful for all that we
have been given.
It is extremely hard to shrug off the opinions of
others and be proud of who you are and all that you have achieved. There
are days when I wonder why I even bother. And then something always
happens to remind me of how fortunate I am. I may not have it all, but
what I do have is a lot.
To look deep within your heart and soul to seek
your true essence is a journey full of wrong turns. I am far from the end
of mine, but every journey begins with that first step. Mine was to
filter the good from the bad and surround myself with people and things that
make me smile to myself when I am alone.
There is most certainly a face that we show the
public and it is almost always different from the face that stares back at us
from the mirror in our most private moments. True happiness can only be
achieved when we bridge the gap between these two faces. You are only
truly happy when you no longer have to hide behind a public mask, when your
achievements and ideals are what the world sees. If they don’t accept you
for it, so be it. But when you have to hide what you are capable of
simply because the worlds doesn’t share your opinion, you carry around a heavy
burden.
When asked to define happiness, a lot of people say
they wish they had riches, or they were involved in a lasting relationship,
some say their happiness stems from being a parent or from their careers.
We all have different needs to fulfill that ensure our happiness. All of
this arises from the same basic need, love yourself. If you do not love
yourself, you will never be motivated enough to pursue wealth or a career, you
will never be able to love someone without searching for faults that reflect
your insecurities.
Another quote that always stayed with me is:
“nobody said that life would be easy, only that it would be worth it”.
All of the sacrifices we have made in life, all of the mistakes, all of the
tears, every passing memory has brought us to this point and made us who we
are. In order to move forward, we must be willing to accept that we
cannot change what has happened, but we have the power within us to change how
we react to what will happen.
I am quick to pass a sarcastic comment if I’m in a
bad mood, with no regard to the feelings of the person I am talking to.
This is my bad habit and I need to break it. When I look in the mirror, I
am unhappy. I see a person who dreams but isn’t willing to wake up and
make it happen, I see a person who lashes out at others when hurt just so they
can hurt too, I see a person who cries when nobody is looking and criticizes
others for exposing their emotions, I see a person who doesn’t know what she
wants yet complains when others lose their direction. I see a person who
has discovered their faults and is willing to try and change.
I am taking my first step,
I am trying so very hard to be a better me. I am trying to become the
person I would love as opposed to the person who wishes to be loved without
allowing others to love her. Right now, if I were to meet myself, we wouldn’t
get along. I do not have the qualities in me that I wish to have in a
friend. However, with each passing day, I am coming ever closer to that
person…
~Shamshaad~
