A vision of Loneliness

There are days

When this loneliness

Overwhelms me

Like a silken sheet

Flowing over me

With no end

And no beginning

It grips me tight

And holds me close

Making me realize

The potential

For both

My darkest fear

And

My deepest comfort

And in that comfort

I find despair

And in that fear

I seek refuge

Dare I hope

To find a way out?

Dare I seek

A companion

A friend

A partner

A light

Within the darkness?

Or should i

Accustom myself

To the silken darkness

That engulfs

The essence

Of my being?

How do I know

Which I deserve?

How do I embrace

The true nature

Of this,

My solitude?

Is it merely

A passerby?

Or is it

A permanent resident?

~Shamshaad~

Truly alone

In that moment
my breath caught
and I came to realise
what it means 
to be truly alone...

in that fleeting glimpse
of an eventual end
this urge began 
to grow
to overwhelming heights...

Every day
Death comes knocking
and...
in a moment of weakness
or perhaps
great strength...

my reflexes urge 
my twitching arm
to fling open that door
and welcome Death
with open arms

they tempt me 
to fall deep 
into that
Dark embrace
and let myself
sink
into eternal solitude
to be
truly alone
forever 
after 
more...



~Shamshaad~

Tattling tears

Why do these tears
leave behind a trace
as they run down my cheek?

Why do they leave behind
evidence of the pain
that you have given to me?

Why do they not remain hidden
these saline remnants
of my aching heart?

I do not wish to share
that which goes on within
my troubled mind

yet these inconsiderate
gossiping tears
reveal my all...

~Shamshaad~

Looking through the doorway

When I look into my eyes

And try to see

Through the doorway

That leads to my soul

I see a woman staring back

Who doesn't seem quite right

A hazy picture, slightly tilted,

Somehow complete yet not totally whole

I sense she has a message

A story straight from my psyche

About who I really am

Versus what the world perceives

She reaches out her hand

To place upon my heart

To deliver a message

I am unable to believe

This paranormal manifestation

Shows a monstrous creation

A thing of beauty and awe

Yet one so fearful

Strange and unusual

The oddest thing and then some more

She shows me confusion

An insightful intrusion

A blissful creature

With a playful nature

A human

A woman

Imperfect

yet so perfect

~Shamshaad~

Morbid contemplations

These hopeless moments

Make the burdens on your shoulders

Feel heavier than ever before

You can’t decide

Whether you must laugh or cry

Or whether you must end it all

There seems to be no end

Except for that bitter one

And then comes…nothing more…

You are down on your knees

At your weakest point

Unable to move or crawl

There lies a gun

Here is a knife

And some pills on which to overdose

Can you end it all?

How far have you sunk?

Is the end drawing close?

Can you leave it all behind?

The problems and the grief

And this bag of overwhelming sorrow?

Can you cause the pain

And end your life

Instead of facing tomorrow?

~Shamshaad~

PANIC!

Trapped!

Unable to break free!

My skin feels too tight

I need to escape

Clawing at myself

Seeking some relief

I feel constricted

I can’t breathe

My pulse races

The walls

They are moving closer

They will crush me

Someone help me

Let me out

Let me breathe

Please

Don’t let me die

In this concrete grave

Locked in my mind

Let me out

Please……….

~Shamshaad~

Secret thoughts

This loss

Deep within me

Is an empty space

Within my soul

I don’t know how

I will cope

Without you

By my side

Reachable

Touchable

Secretly mine

There’s an ache

Inside my heart

And each beat

Cries out for you

This emptiness

Is now my only essence

And it weeps silently

With a longing

To be filled once again

With your sweet laugh

And kind words

It needs your gentle smile

And warm embrace

Yet

How do I mourn your loss?

You should never have been

A part of my life

Yet

How do I not?

When your memories linger

In my every thought

~Shamshaad~