Strangers

Two faces

Two names

On opposite sides

Of the screen

Words connect them

And distance divides them

He knows

her deepest fears

And intimate secrets

She knows

What makes him happy

And how he lives his life

He listens

When she cannot sleep

And offers comfort

When she reaches out

She lets him vent

When life get stressful

And business gets him down

Yet they have never had

A cup of coffee

Or held each other close

They do not know

What the other feels like

They have never gazed

Into each others eyes

Two strangers

Bound together

Yet so far apart…

~S~

Regrets

The touch of your hand

Against my feverish skin

Kindles love and desire

In my Desperate heart…

The brush of your clothes

Against the back of my hand

As you walk past

Makes me want to pull you close…

The tightening of your arms

Around my waist

Elicits a little sigh

Of contentment…

The pressure of your lips

Against mine

Makes me want to lean in

Closer against you…

Every moment with you

Sparks emotions

Within me…

Fear that you will change

Apprehension when you are upset…

Sadness when you leave me alone…

But most of all…

Regret…

Regret that you

Hold the key

To the door

In the walls

That I have built

So high…

It’s too late

To ask for them back…

~S~

SCARS

In the shimmer

Of the pale moonlight,

I slowly run my fingers

Over my body,

Tracing gently

Over my scars…

How exotic they look,

These markings

On my skin

That were not born

At the same time as me…

Yet they tell a tale

Of struggle and despair

Far more eloquently

Than any story

I could narrate…

Each cut,

Each drop of blood,

Every raised blemish

That marks my skin..

Is like a work of art…

So tragic…

~S~

I wish..

I wish you could read my mind

There's so much I need you to know

I wish I had the courage 

To take you on this journey 

To let you see

What you mean to me

To make you understand 

How you've helped me to grow

I wish I was brave... 

A warrior and a fighter

I wish I could tell you 

You make my burdens lighter 

I wish that you knew 

How vulnerable I am around you

I wish I could tell you 

I don't know how to deal without you... 

So many wishes 

Yet none will come true.. 

But always remember.. 

The most important person to me 

Is you...

~S~

More than friends

We often say to each other

That we are just friends, 

But I am unsure

If we are trying to convince 

Ourselves or each other... 

You are my shoulder 

When I need to be weak... 

I've got your back

When you need to be strong...

The mere thought of you 

Brightens an otherwise gloomy day... 

You are the first person 

That I wish to share my news with... 

Be it joy or sorrow or a mundane task... 

You're the one I run to 

With all of life's troubles... 

I'm the one you call 

When loneliness overtakes you... 

Minutes turn into hours

With conversations 

That can't be transcribed... 

Yet sitting in together in silence, 

Brings with it a special kind of comfort... 

How do we call us just friends... 

When it feels like so much more?

~S~

A little bit more

I wish you loved me
A little bit more
Than you do
Instead of
The mild affection
You have
Towards this person
Who occasionally
Makes life easier
I wish you thought about me
A little bit more
Than just in passing
When you see something
That reminds you
Of this person
Who sometimes
Crosses your mind
I wish that you wanted me
A little bit more
Than just when you
Are in the mood
To play a game
With this person
Who is always
Willing to be
Your toy
I wish I was
A little bit more
In your life
But I will settle
For the little bit
That I have...
It's a little bit more
Than nothing at all...
~S~

I call out Your name

I call out your name
When the moon is at its peak
I need the comfort
That only you can provide...

I call out your name
When the sun dances across the horizon
I need the warmth
That comes from your smile...

I call our your name
When storm clouds gather
I need the strength
That keeps me upright...

I call out your name
As the gentle rains wash over us
I need the energy
That gives me life...

I call out your name
For you are my everything
You are all that I need
And the only one I want...

~S~

Masks

I can't even begin
To describe
How hard it is
To put on this mask
On a daily basis
To pretend that
I am doing okay
To smile and carry on
As though
Parts of me
Aren't falling apart
Every second
How do I tell the world
That what they see
Is not the truth
It's merely
A well constructed lie?
Who do I complain to
That I am unhappy?
Who will listen when I say
That this smile
Hides a broken heart...
That this so called strength
Hides a terrified little girl
Who doesn't know where to turn
For help and comfort...?
Everyone is dealing
With their own problems...
So it's just easier
To put on the mask...
Smile...
And say...
I'm doing ok....
~S~

I needed you

Today was a bad day
I needed you to be there
I needed the comfort
Of your hand holding mine
I needed your soothing voice
To tell me everything would be ok
I needed your arms wrapped around me
Keeping me safe no matter what
I needed to look into your eyes
And know that you've got my back...
But when I held out my hand...
All I got was emptiness...
And when I called out your name
The silence echoed back at me...
The only arms holding me safe
Were my own...
So I picked myself up
And told myself that I was ok
And you know what?
It didn't matter that I was alone...
I realized...
All along I was equipped for this battle...
I just never knew
That I could unlock the door myself...
All this time wasted...
Waiting for someone else to save me...
When... In the darkest storm...
I saved myself...

~S~

Voices in my head

Some days
The voices in my head
Won't shut up
And all I want to do
Is place my palms
Over my ears
And scream and scream and scream
Until my screaming drowns
Them out
And some days
When it seems
That even that won't work
I want to take
The sharpest blade I can find
And cut myself open
To let the voices
Stream out of my system
And leave me alone....
Why won't they shut up?
Haven't I done enough?
Haven't I been through enough?
Why do they torment me?
Make them stop...
Please.. Have mercy
~S~

The way you make me feel

I wish I had the ability
To see myself through your eyes
To know how I look to you
To feel how I make you feel
There are days
When you stare at me for hours
And I feel like
The world's most beautiful woman
Somedays you glance my way
And I see such awe in your gaze
The blood rushes to my cheeks
Making me blush at the intensity
Of the love washing over me
You always say to me
That I have so much to offer the world
But... I don't see it that way
I do know
That I offer you all that I have
Mind, body, heart and soul ...
For you are my world...

~S~

I Miss You

I do not know
If I will ever
See you again
For I know
That I am not worthy enough
To ascend to your level
But I do know
That not a day goes by
Where I don't think of you
Somedays, it's just
A passing whiff of someone's perfume...
Sometimes someone will sound like you
Other days I will hear your voice
Echoing on a passing breeze
Calling out my name
As though you were just
On the other side of the door...
I miss you so much
That my heart aches
And these dreams
Disorientate me
It seems so real
When you say to me
That they made a mistake
It feels like just yesterday
That I left you alone
In that hospital room
And my brain gets muddled
When I wake up
Expecting to see or hear you here
I feel so much guilt
I wish I was there with you
In those final moments
But all I have
Are memories and prayers
And it just isn't enough any longer...
I miss you...

~S~

What if...

I've been laying in bed
For two days straight..
I haven't been well, you see...
And all sorts of things
Have been darting through my mind..
What if...
What if I never leave the house again?
What if I shut off the world?
Will anyone even realize?
Or... What if...
What if I pack my bags,
Place them in the back seat of my car
And drive away to destinations unknown..?
Who will come looking for me?
What if I book into a motel
Under a different name...
Something exotic and unusual..
A room with a nice cosy bed
And a claw foot tub
What if...
What if I fill the tub
With lovely warm water...
And then I close my eyes
And let my troubles soak away...
They say that you don't feel the first cut...
If the water is warm enough...
And that you slowly drift away...
Carried gently on a soft wave...
What if..
What if this is the answer...
To all of my questions?

~S~

Broken

Things have not been
The same lately
Since I've come
To the conclusion
That I am not
As necessary
To your life
As you are
To mine
When I am sad,
I turn to you
For comfort...
When you are low,
You turn
Away from me...
When I am happy,
I share my joy
With you...
When you are joyous,
You extend your hand
Away from me...
I know you always say
"no questions - just live"
But some questions
Have to be asked
What am I to you?
Where do I fit in?
Would you care if
I was no longer around?
But I do not have the courage
To ask them out loud...
For I fear
The answers
Will leave me
Broken....

~S~

Memories

Some days
You can't turn off
The memories
No matter how
Many pills 
You swallow
Some days
The thoughts 
Echo
In your mind
Slowly driving you
To the brink
Of insanity
And if you place
Your palms
Over your ears, 
All you succeed
In doing
Is trapping
The memories in... 
So you scream
Out loud
To drown out
The thoughts
And then 
You scream
Even louder
When it doesn't work
Then you think
To yourself
Maybe more pills
Will help
For when
You are asleep
The memories
Are silent....

~S~

Without You

These moments without you

Make my heart ache with sadness

I did not appreciate you

When you were with me

I never realised

How much I would miss you

If you were no longer around

I did not expect

To lose you so soon

There is now this emptiness

Within my soul

That I cannot seem to fill

There are times

When it hurts so much

That I can’t even cry

I show the world

A smiling face

And a nonchalant attitude

I smile and laugh

And keep on a mask

I don’t think people realise

How fake this visage is

Even though the cracks

Are slowly starting to appear

I feel so alone

I no longer have any backup

And I have to fight my battles alone

I don’t even know where to begin

I don’t know how to face this world

Without your guiding light

I don’t know how to survive

Without you as my shield…

~S~

Warrior Queen

Though I may seem broken now,

Don’t let my fragile appearance fool you

I am slowly rebuilding my walls

And securing myself

The pain racing through me

Fuels my progress

Each cut that seals itself

Strengthens my shields

And each scar that is left behind

Is trophy of war

A weakling I am not.

I am a fighter

I am a soldier

I am a general

I will lead my army of one

Into battle

And emerge victorious every time

Until I win the war

And my fortress is secure

Never will you find me exposed and vulnerable

Never again will I be conquered

For I am A Warrior Queen

~S~

Playing the Fool

I feel foolish

Having given so much

Of myself to you

Knowing

That I am not

YOUR PERSON

I am not the one

With whom you share

Your hopes and dreams

When we’re alone

It seems as though

There is nobody around

Save for the two of us

And when we are apart

I am forgotten

You call out to someone else

When things are new

You call upon another

When things get tough

You reach out your hand

To hold those which aren’t mine

And I am left on the side-line

With no clue

How to play the game

~S~

Anxiety

The darkness seeps

Slowly into me

From my feet

Up towards my heart

Like rolling fog

Creeping gently

Onto the river

In the middle

Of the moonless night

My breath catches

My pulse races

My eyes blur

With unshed tears

My hands reach out

For support

Only to realise

There is none

I stumble and fall

Onto my hands and knees

I drag myself forward

Seeking safety and stability

Only to feel

The ground beneath me

Break away

Into a thousand pieces

I slide downward

Uncontrollably

Into the abyss

Tumbling

Into oblivion…

~S~

Grateful

Today, I was a bit low

And I know it scared you a little

You didn’t know how to comfort me

Or pull me out of my slump

Yet you didn’t give up on me

You did your best

To get me to smile again

You will never understand

How grateful I am

That you have never left my side

No matter how difficult things have become

You take my hand

And lead me to your inner sanctum

You play soft music

And wait for my reaction

When I don’t look up

You crouch by my side

And gently push my hair aside

You look into my eyes

Trying to read my soul

And you stay with me

Until you know

That I am completely with you once again

Body, mind and emotions…

So I thank you

With all that I have to give…

~S~

Time

It’s been so long

Since we’ve first connected

It feels as if

Millennia have passed us by

The emotions that have flown between us

Could flood the driest desert

We’ve forgotten more about each other

Than most others have tried to learn about themselves

The passage of time

Has been kind to us

Yet each day poses a new challenge

A new question and a new test

And each moment creates new memories

To replace those that have faded

Like photographs hidden

In a tin box under the bed

To be opened one nostalgic day…

~S~

Home...

You pull me closer

And it feels like I belong

Your arms provide a sanctuary

I never realized I needed

The rhythmic beating of your heart

Lulls me to calmness

You lower your head

And gently place your lips on mine

And I can’t help but smile

As this tender bubble of joy

Floats through me

Making my skin tingle

and setting me on slow fire

Finally, I understand…

Perhaps this is what home feels like…

~S~

Entangled

Entangled in a web of lies

That I have spun myself

Whom do I deceive the most?

The people who trust my truth?

Or me, myself and I….

All of these words

That I have escaped from my mouth…

I can no longer exercise any control

Of the sentences that they form

My heart aches with guilt

That they flow so freely

Forming a picture that I know nothing of…

When will it end?

Will the truth emancipate me?

Or will the lies smother me to death?

~S~