Back in time..

I wish we could go back

To the first day that we met

Your reaction

When you first laid eyes on me

Still gives me hope...

I wish we could go back

To that first moment we touched

When you put your arms around me

And held me tight against you

I wish we could go back

To the moment our lips first met

That gentle brush of yours against mine

Still sends a little shiver

Down my spine..

I wish we could go back

To those  first days

When every moment spent together

Was so precious and sweet

And every message from you

Made my heart race...

I wish we could go back..

And relive those moments...

Over and over again...

I wish we could go back...

So I don't miss you so much...

~SD~

The Way It Used To Be

On these long lazy summer nights

With the moon at its peak

When the breeze caresses my brow

And the stars shimmer in the distance

I long for the way 

Things used to be

Memories of you 

Linger all over me

The touch of your fingers

And the taste of your lips

The strength of your arms 

And the thoughts of the way

Things used to be 

Those endless conversations 

And the smell of the fire 

The laughter shared 

And the secret smiles 

The feel of you 

Brushing past me... 

Oh how I wish 

For things to go back 

To the way they used to be... 

~SD~

A dedication to my mum...

Two years have gone by

In what feels like 

The blink of an eye

And so many say

It gets easier with time

But I feel your loss 

More and more 

With each passing day... 

And now 

During my toughest battles

My general has left me

To fend for myself

And these days 

I struggle 

And forget 

How strong we can  be

There are days 

When I'm so angry

That you've abandoned me 

In this lonely world 

And then I remember 

Your every lesson

That has equipped me

To be not just a princess in a tower 

But the warrior and the dragon too 

And I gather courage 

From your bravery and strength 

That flows through my veins 

And I miss you 

More and more

But I keep reminding myself 

I am the daughter 

Of a Queen 

~S~

Broken Promises...

For every verbal promise

That you have made

To me

I have made 

A silent vow

To you... 

While you have run

And hidden

These truths 

From yourself

I have been true 

To every single one

Whether you were

Aware or not.... 

The pain of your deceit

Has numbed my soul

To the point where

Even this blade

Dancing across my tender wrists

Offers no release

From the shackles

Of being bound to you... 

And as the blood drips

From the tips of my fingers 

Slowly to the ground

And the world fades 

into darkness

I make you

One final vow.... 

I will never hold 

These broken promises

Against you

In this world

Or the next...

~S~

Rise Phoenix Rise

You think

That you bring me down 

You feel like 

You punish me 

With your words 

And your actions 

You take me 

And break me

You forsake me

And make me 

Want to prove you wrong 

You taunt me

And haunt me

Until I throw down 

The gauntlet

And show you 

Who's queen after all 

You hurt me

And burn me 

But you have yet 

To learn me 

And when you do 

You will know 

That warriors are forged 

Not born... 

You may throw me

To the flames

But never underestimate me

For I will rise again 

Like a phoenix 

from the ashes

And when I come 

To take back what's mine..

There will be 

No place to hide... 

~SD~

Midnight confessions

These lazy conversations

At half past midnight 

Have got me feeling 

Like a teenager again 

These stolen moments 

When the rest of the world sleeps

Have reminded me

That I still have a working smile 

The sound of my phone beeping 

As a message from you comes through 

Has my  heart racing 

Like a kid on Christmas morning 

It's been so very long 

Since I've felt so free 

To confess my secrets to someone 

As today becomes tomorrow 

These midnight confessions 

And whispered laughs 

Create memories 

To last till the end of time... 

~SD~

Temptation...

I've been looking at them,

For a few days now 

And I have to admit, 

The temptation is getting stronger...

Some days 

They sing out to me 

In a sweet song

Unheard before

And somedays

They Whisper quietly 

Telling me 

All of their secrets 

Tonight 

They are telling me 

That they can take me somewhere 

That I will never wish to leave again 

They shout out loud 

These tempting promises 

And today, 

I feel like giving in

I open the bottle 

And lay them out 

These pretty little 

tempting things... 

One by one... 

I count them out.... 

My beautiful 

travel companions 

Take me away 

I say to them 

As I give in 

To temptation... 

~SD~

Help....

I've been telling people

All day long

That I just don't feel

So good today

But everyone is so busy

That nobody is listening

To my cry for help

I've been telling everyone

That there's a knot in my chest

And I can't breathe so well today

But they are all going about

As if it's just a normal day

And I don't know how to tell them

That the darkness is creeping in

And I can't seem to make them see

That I am breaking apart... 

How do I tell them

That all is not okay? 

How do I get their attention 

To let them know that I am failing? 

Perhaps these pills I've found

Will help keep the Darkness at bay 

Or maybe this blade I've discovered 

Will let the darkness flow away 

I've asked so many people 

To help me find the light 

But today they're all so busy 

And the darkness seems just right.... 

~SD~

Drowning

A sea of outstretched hands

Reaches towards me

But not one of them

Is reaching for me

To the left and right they go

Passing me by

To those around me

Yet the call for help

Was sounded by me...

Do they not see

That I am drowning

With neither raft nor life jacket

I am being pulled under

With the weight of my emotions

Yet all they see

Are those around me

That I have pushed to the surface

And saved before me

My name will go down

In the books of history

Among the thousands 

who have perished

In this sea before me

And even in my death

I remain just one of many

Never good enough...

~SD~

Someone to talk to...

Today I really need to talk to you 

I need to share how I feel

But my call cannot connect

Because the signal doesn't reach so high

Today I have so much to tell you

To ease my burdened heart 

But my email cannot reach you

Because there's no wi-fi that far 

I would write you a letter 

So I can relate all of my troubles

But I don't think the postman 

Will ever find the way 

I wish you were still sitting here

So I could lay in the comfort of your lap 

And say to you all the things 

That I never got a chance to confess 

I know we've fought over the years

And many unkind words were exchanged

But never once did I ever doubt 

That you would always be here 

I wish I could say how sorry I am

For the things I've said and done

I have so many regrets 

And I know I've done too little 

I just wish that you were with me 

So we could have this talk face to face

But you're up in heaven 

And I'm in this lonely place... 

And now I really need

Someone to talk to 

But the only person who ever understood

Is out of my reach... 

But I hope and pray 

That you see my tears

And know my heart

And I trust that you will 

Always protect me 

From among the stars

~SD~

Amidst the stars

Tonight

The stars shine

Brighter

Than I've ever seen

The air

Carries with it

A sweet scent

Of jasmine

The crickets

Sing

Melodies

Of joy

Tonight

The gentle breeze

Whispers

Your name

The scent

Of your cologne

Tantalizes

My senses

The warmth

Of your arms

Let's me drift

Away

We soar

Above the clouds

To a distant

Universe

Just you

And I

Amidst

The stars...

~SD~

Love's Kiss

He comes to me 

In the darkest hour

Before the dawn 

With sweet promises

Dripping from his lips... 

Honeyed words 

To entice my cooperation 

Are whispered

While I am still half asleep... 

His eyes glow

Iridescent in the pale moonlight 

An ethereal gleam

That reflects untold delights... 

His icy fingers 

Brush over my fragile neck

And goosebumps break out 

Over my translucent skin

As the chill travels through my veins... 

He smiles... 

A smile that has seen millenia 

Of blood and war and destruction.. 

He blocks out the moonlight 

As he leans over

And embraces me... 

He brings his lips to mine... 

And gives me love's true kiss... 

The kiss of Death 

~S~

Beautiful Soul

Beautiful Soul

My heart 

Sings your praises 

Causing My eyes 

To overflow 

With pictures 

Of you...

Beautiful soul 

Your smile

Fills up 

The cracks 

In my broken heart 

And makes

Me feel 

Complete again... 

Beautiful soul 

Your arms 

So strong and powerful 

Give me courage 

To face 

Every challenge 

The world throws my way... 

Beautiful soul  

I pray 

That you will 

Always be 

Mine alone

Forever 

By my side 

My anchor 

In stormy seas

My Northern Star 

In the darkest times 

My everything... 

~S~

Silence

When I am quiet

You say it's okay 

You know that I am there 

I don't have to speak

But you cannot hear 

The echoes in my silence 

That call out your name 

It seems as if 

You don't even care 

When hours, days, weeks and months 

Pass us by 

With me being quiet 

And you saying it's alright 

That we don't need to speak 

To know we're still there 

What happens though 

When one day I am gone 

And that day you will need 

My company the most? 

Will my silence still be ok 

Once it becomes permanent?

~S~

At the Edge

I put in the effort

I did the training 

Blood sweat and tears 

Collected in a crystal decanter

As I worked my way 

To the top of the mountain 

Here I stand

King of the world 

Yet so alone 

I feel 

This flutter in my heart

When I stand at the edge 

And look down into the abyss

Why am I not satisfied? 

All this work 

Is it for nothing? 

Or is my greatest achievement

Not merely 

Reaching the peak

But being able 

To leap from it 

Without regret...?

The wind echoes 

The beat of my heart 

And all I hear 

Is jump....

~S~

Learning life's lessons

If I can't talk to you

In my deepest sorrow 

How can I share with you 

My greatest joy? 

If I can't share

My darkest fears

How do I tell you 

What brings me sunshine? 

If I cannot turn to you 

When I am at my lowest 

How do I come to you 

When I soar? 

If you are not there 

When I need you the most 

How we just enjoy 

The simple moments together?

When I reach out to you 

And my hand grasps empty space

I'm learning how to cope 

Without you by my side 

It's a lesson I have to learn

To face the world alone 

To deal with the disappointments

And still come out on top 

~S~

Perfect...

He says I'm perfect

Just the way I am 

But I wonder 

When he looks at my scars 

Does he fear me? 

Do the battles I have fought 

Intimidate him? 

He says I'm beautiful 

And grow more so each day 

But this doubt creeps in

At the back of my mind 

What if this is just a sweet lie 

A temporary temptation 

Until someone better 

Catches his eye? 

He says I'm perfect 

And I don't need to change 

Yet I feel inadequate 

Like a weed 

In his garden of perfection... 

Yet he still insists 

That I am perfect 

Just the way I am.... 

~S~

38 Sleeping Pills

I unscrew the bottle cap

And empty out the pills 

Onto the kitchen table... 

There's 38 pills in the bottle 

I know nothing else 

But I know this

I sat and counted them 

One lonely evening 

38 Sleeping Pills in a bottle... 

I don't know how I feel 

And I don't know what to think 

But I do know 

That those 38 pills

Can open a doorway 

To another world 

I don't know who sees my pain

And I don't know how to share it 

But I do know 

That I have 

38 pills in a bottle 

And they could take the pain away 

They call out to me 

Those pills in that bottle

They sing me a sweet lullaby 

Of lands unchartered 

And depths undiscovered 

And I feel myself lulled into oblivion 

By the 38 Sleeping pills 

In the bottle beside my bed... 

Just 1 will do the trick 

But if 1 feels so good... 

Surely 37 more

Will feel even better... 

So I count them again... 

I have 38 Sleeping pills 

In a bottle.... 

~S~

I miss you

As the sun

Sings her melody

And flows 

Over the land

There are clouds

Weeping 

A little storm 

Within my heart 

The birds

March to the beat

Of the drums

Of their people 

While emptiness 

Crowds my soul

All of nature

Runs around

Working hard 

Taking advantage 

Of this beautiful day 

But memories of you

Fill my mind

And I am paralyzed 

With grief.. 

I dreamt of you

And it felt so real

That when I awoke 

I expect to hear you 

Call out my name

And in the resounding silence 

My heart broke 

Over and over again 

I miss you...

~S~

Empty Promises

These empty promises

I make to you 

Of how things will be 

When we're together 

They play on my conscience 

But the truth is 

We both know... 

These words 

They mean nothing 

They are a sweet fantasy 

In the midst of

A sweeter moment.. 

But all they will ever be 

Is a pipe dream 

And an empty promise 

Of things we wish we had 

But never will... 

~S~

The Attack

A frisson of fear 

Runs down my spine

As the monster

Extends its tentacles 

Towards me

Slowly sliding

Up my torso 

It wraps around 

My fragile neck 

And slowly starts

To apply pressure 

It's getting harder 

To breathe 

And stars dance

Before my eyes

Tears roll down

My cheek 

And the world 

Fades away

I gasp 

But there's no air 

I try to fight 

But I have no strength 

And I slowly give in

As the panic 

Takes over

And the anxiety 

Is victorious 

In its stealthy attack.... 

No More Regrets

Emblazoned in my mind

Are multitudes of regret 

Of those times when I forgot

Who I am and what I am made of... 

Those times when I chose to be

Who you wanted me to be

Instead of who I should have been 

Every whisper 

Every touch

Those moments 

That felt so right

Those choices I made

That were good at the time 

Return to haunt me 

Over and over again 

I regret every decision 

That was made over time 

When I chose to please 

The wrong half of us

I gave you my all

And you played it like a game 

And I lowered my standards 

Hoping you would see 

My sacrifice for you 

And in the end 

What I'm left with is 

A neglected me... 

So never again 

Will I stoop so low 

And never again

Will I let regret 

Be the norm... 

The one I bare my soul to

The one I bare my soul to

Cannot seem to see

Just how important

He is to me

The one I bare my soul to

Thinks that this is a game

And what we have

Has no given name

The one I bare my soul to

Does not understand

He holds the key to my heart

In the palm of his hand

The one I bare my soul to

Is the only one who's blind

To what secrets my heart holds,

Those treasures he needs to find... 

So I say this tonight 

To whom I bare my soul... 

You are the other half 

That makes me whole... 

~S~

Melodies in the Storm

The wind sings out his name

As she howls past the windows

Seeking him out... 

Searching in corners 

Missing him so... 

The rain plays 

A steady drumbeat

In honor of him

A forlorn rhythm

In the silence of his memory 

His name is scrawled across the sky 

In bold neon lightning 

By the hand of angels 

Summoning him

Closer to her 

The thunders rolls 

And the storm beckons 

"Gather closer 

Listen to the symphony 

of heartbreak and misery 

Of her missing him

And him being unable to see" 

A sad love story 

Played out in the skies 

Timeless and true 

Forever 

Missing you... 

~S ~

Warrior

He says I'm a warrior

And he knows me best

So I guess he must be right... 

I gather my weapons 

And put on my armour

And I prepare to fight 

Out on the battlefield 

Blood streaming down my face 

I do not back down 

My sword sings

As it glides through the air 

All my fears lay thrown... 

I will not be defeated 

I will not give up

I will not rest 

Until I am 

The last woman standing... 

The best of the best... 

~S ~

Conversations...

I hold conversations with you

Inside my head

Secret talks 

That are privy to none but me

I tell you about my day

And how I'm feeling.. 

You tell me about yours 

As we hold each other 

We laugh together 

And I know I'm not judged... 

You hold my hand 

And share my thoughts 

And in those moments 

I have no secrets from you 

You know my desires 

And I know yours... 

Such special times 

That exist only in my imagination... 

In the real world,

You've had a hard day, 

I've been too busy, 

You can't tell if I'm down

And I don't know when you need me

Our words are sharp 

And our tones are hasty... 

But inside my head... 

Time slows down 

It's just you and I... 

And we talk 

Endlessly... 

~S~

Reminders...

Just when I start thinking

This time it will be different,

This time it feels real,

He reminds me...

I got comfortable 

With the daily chats

And constant concern,

But he reminded me... 

I thought this time, 

I would come first 

Because he makes me feel wanted 

And then he chose to remind me.... 

It occurred to me 

That we're meant to be 

Because we fit so well together, and, 

Once again, he reminds me... 

He continues to remind me 

With his words and actions 

And his roving attention 

That I am not good enough, 

But, This time I will not forget...

I am more than enough...

I am a gourmet meal 

And he snacks from a food truck...

~S~

Pulse

I feel the steady rhythm

Dancing beneath my skin

As the blood flows 

Through my veins

I hear the beat

Of my name

Tapped out 

With the ebb and flow

Of my life force 

Below the surface 

I hear the words 

Resonate with this message... 

Free me

And you will be rewarded...

This melody 

Hypnotises me

And I reach out

For the cold steel... 

My fingers wrap around the handle

And, I watch enthralled 

As the blade floats toward me

To be plunged into its human sheath 

Emancipating that which has been

Held as a prisoner for so long...

~S~

The Darkness

It scrapes 

Against the walls

Of my heart 

I feel it's claws 

Dragging 

Slowly 

Down the sides 

As it opens up 

A tunnel 

Into my veins

Seeking

Searching 

For a way 

Into my soul 

This darkness 

Grows 

Within the confines 

Of my chest

Until 

I can no longer breathe 

And I feel 

It take over... 

I am

Overwhelmed....

Until

All I see, 

All I feel, 

All I sense,

Is the dark... 

~S~

Time...

I've had such a busy day

I've been running around 

Trying to figure it all out 

I've had such a restless night 

Tossing and turning 

Overthinking and worrying 

But in the midst of my day's chaos 

I find myself day dreaming 

Thinking of you 

And when the night gets lonely 

I lose myself 

In memories of you 

An oasis in the desert 

Of my daily toils 

A shining light 

In the moonless night... 

These are the things

You are to me... 

You slow down time and provide solace

When the day gets out of control... 

Talking to you speeds up time

When each moment drags on slow.. 

My friend... 

My confidante... 

The Timekeeper 

Of my happy place 

I am grateful for you

~S~

Contrasting Souls

We are worlds apart

Him and I... 

So different... 

Incompatible you may say... 

I get lost in fiction... 

He is grounded in fact...

I'm a whimsical sculpture... 

He is set in stone...

I lose myself in emotions... 

He is solid and strong.... 

He wipes away my tears... 

And I don't even know what is on his mind... 

I just wish I knew.... 

How to get through the barrier.... 

Of the constantly moving veil... 

Between our contrasting souls... 

So that we can fit together...

In abstract picture perfection... 

~S~