The way you make me feel

I wish I had the ability
To see myself through your eyes
To know how I look to you
To feel how I make you feel
There are days
When you stare at me for hours
And I feel like
The world's most beautiful woman
Somedays you glance my way
And I see such awe in your gaze
The blood rushes to my cheeks
Making me blush at the intensity
Of the love washing over me
You always say to me
That I have so much to offer the world
But... I don't see it that way
I do know
That I offer you all that I have
Mind, body, heart and soul ...
For you are my world...

~S~

I Miss You

I do not know
If I will ever
See you again
For I know
That I am not worthy enough
To ascend to your level
But I do know
That not a day goes by
Where I don't think of you
Somedays, it's just
A passing whiff of someone's perfume...
Sometimes someone will sound like you
Other days I will hear your voice
Echoing on a passing breeze
Calling out my name
As though you were just
On the other side of the door...
I miss you so much
That my heart aches
And these dreams
Disorientate me
It seems so real
When you say to me
That they made a mistake
It feels like just yesterday
That I left you alone
In that hospital room
And my brain gets muddled
When I wake up
Expecting to see or hear you here
I feel so much guilt
I wish I was there with you
In those final moments
But all I have
Are memories and prayers
And it just isn't enough any longer...
I miss you...

~S~

What if...

I've been laying in bed
For two days straight..
I haven't been well, you see...
And all sorts of things
Have been darting through my mind..
What if...
What if I never leave the house again?
What if I shut off the world?
Will anyone even realize?
Or... What if...
What if I pack my bags,
Place them in the back seat of my car
And drive away to destinations unknown..?
Who will come looking for me?
What if I book into a motel
Under a different name...
Something exotic and unusual..
A room with a nice cosy bed
And a claw foot tub
What if...
What if I fill the tub
With lovely warm water...
And then I close my eyes
And let my troubles soak away...
They say that you don't feel the first cut...
If the water is warm enough...
And that you slowly drift away...
Carried gently on a soft wave...
What if..
What if this is the answer...
To all of my questions?

~S~

Broken

Things have not been
The same lately
Since I've come
To the conclusion
That I am not
As necessary
To your life
As you are
To mine
When I am sad,
I turn to you
For comfort...
When you are low,
You turn
Away from me...
When I am happy,
I share my joy
With you...
When you are joyous,
You extend your hand
Away from me...
I know you always say
"no questions - just live"
But some questions
Have to be asked
What am I to you?
Where do I fit in?
Would you care if
I was no longer around?
But I do not have the courage
To ask them out loud...
For I fear
The answers
Will leave me
Broken....

~S~

Memories

Some days
You can't turn off
The memories
No matter how
Many pills 
You swallow
Some days
The thoughts 
Echo
In your mind
Slowly driving you
To the brink
Of insanity
And if you place
Your palms
Over your ears, 
All you succeed
In doing
Is trapping
The memories in... 
So you scream
Out loud
To drown out
The thoughts
And then 
You scream
Even louder
When it doesn't work
Then you think
To yourself
Maybe more pills
Will help
For when
You are asleep
The memories
Are silent....

~S~

Without You

These moments without you

Make my heart ache with sadness

I did not appreciate you

When you were with me

I never realised

How much I would miss you

If you were no longer around

I did not expect

To lose you so soon

There is now this emptiness

Within my soul

That I cannot seem to fill

There are times

When it hurts so much

That I can’t even cry

I show the world

A smiling face

And a nonchalant attitude

I smile and laugh

And keep on a mask

I don’t think people realise

How fake this visage is

Even though the cracks

Are slowly starting to appear

I feel so alone

I no longer have any backup

And I have to fight my battles alone

I don’t even know where to begin

I don’t know how to face this world

Without your guiding light

I don’t know how to survive

Without you as my shield…

~S~

Warrior Queen

Though I may seem broken now,

Don’t let my fragile appearance fool you

I am slowly rebuilding my walls

And securing myself

The pain racing through me

Fuels my progress

Each cut that seals itself

Strengthens my shields

And each scar that is left behind

Is trophy of war

A weakling I am not.

I am a fighter

I am a soldier

I am a general

I will lead my army of one

Into battle

And emerge victorious every time

Until I win the war

And my fortress is secure

Never will you find me exposed and vulnerable

Never again will I be conquered

For I am A Warrior Queen

~S~