In trying to create a perfect front for the world to see,
I have forgotten who I truly am. My hopes and dreams,
my ambitions, my fears, my reasons for living...all have become a figure in the
mist. In trying to be what others want me to be, I have forgotten who I
need to be...
I have long since forgotten that innocent little girl who became someone else to fit in. I have always been awkward, never thin enough, nerdy in my glasses, not rich enough to keep up with the technology, not smart enough to be famous...a misfit in so many forms...
It dawned on me in my "rebellious" teen years that, in order to fit in, I must forget myself and be who the world wishes to see. I started developing a persona that was socially acceptable. I would laugh a little too loud, talk a little too much and, when things got intense, disappear like the "mystery woman". Funny enough, this seems to have become the permanent me. Although, sometimes, the other me does rear her head to let me know she still exists. When I am feeling particularly lonely, or I have been hurt in some way...she mourns on my behalf...When Shamzy becomes Shamshaad...
Recently, I have begun to see the seeds of hope growing within myself...I have slowly started to accept me for me..not for the way others see me. Perhaps the path to true happiness really does begin with loving one's self. I have been a bit more mellow, I laugh truly and cry freely. It has become such a bad habit to suppress emotions that I occasionally wonder if I will ever truly be able to FEEL again...There is no time for emotions in this rat-race we call life. We live as drones, following orders and moving forward all the time, never stopping to enjoy the scenery in this ride called life.
But I have decided, I will no longer let Shamzy rule. I will let Shamshaad blossom and be free; to finally experience all that life has to offer. And yes, it is a conscious decision. Suppressing my true self was a conscious decision, reversing it is too.
The world sees and accepts Shamzy as a fun-loving, never-give-up, fickle, surface creature. There is so much more to see than just the surface, if only you would look...
It has taken me 10 years and many mistakes to realise that the only way to strive for perfection is to embrace the imperfections; to learn to love myself and accept myself for the way that I am...
There are those whose mission in life is to bring others down. Whenever they meet you, they always have a nasty comment to pass. It is this type of people who cause people like me to start loathing the very essence of themselves. To look in a mirror is a curse, to accept a compliment is the most difficult task in the world as, in the background, the criticism of others echoes...
But I have started realising that it is the same people that criticise who have the most to hide. Perhaps, by bringing to light my faults, they are shifting the attention off themselves....?
Why should I hide myself and hold myself back from the things I really wish to achieve just because someone once said I will never succeed at anything. Look at how far I have come...
And as I look back on the memories of this journey, I thank the people who have hurt and hardened me...you have made me realise how hard life really is for the emotionally disabled; I thank the people who have guided me and made me realise how amazing life is, how truly blessed we are for all that we have and how special we all are in our own ways and most especially I thank those who have criticised and commented on the way I look, dress, act, talk and walk...your words have broken the bubble around me and shown me that, despite what you think of me, I will never let you win.
I have so much more to achieve, so much more to experience and I wish to do it all with an open mind and an open heart, come what may.
So RIP Shamzy, you are no longer needed...Long Live Shamshaad!!
And if you are wondering what brought about the epiphany...It's simply realising I have a reason to smile when I am alone with my thoughts...
I have long since forgotten that innocent little girl who became someone else to fit in. I have always been awkward, never thin enough, nerdy in my glasses, not rich enough to keep up with the technology, not smart enough to be famous...a misfit in so many forms...
It dawned on me in my "rebellious" teen years that, in order to fit in, I must forget myself and be who the world wishes to see. I started developing a persona that was socially acceptable. I would laugh a little too loud, talk a little too much and, when things got intense, disappear like the "mystery woman". Funny enough, this seems to have become the permanent me. Although, sometimes, the other me does rear her head to let me know she still exists. When I am feeling particularly lonely, or I have been hurt in some way...she mourns on my behalf...When Shamzy becomes Shamshaad...
Recently, I have begun to see the seeds of hope growing within myself...I have slowly started to accept me for me..not for the way others see me. Perhaps the path to true happiness really does begin with loving one's self. I have been a bit more mellow, I laugh truly and cry freely. It has become such a bad habit to suppress emotions that I occasionally wonder if I will ever truly be able to FEEL again...There is no time for emotions in this rat-race we call life. We live as drones, following orders and moving forward all the time, never stopping to enjoy the scenery in this ride called life.
But I have decided, I will no longer let Shamzy rule. I will let Shamshaad blossom and be free; to finally experience all that life has to offer. And yes, it is a conscious decision. Suppressing my true self was a conscious decision, reversing it is too.
The world sees and accepts Shamzy as a fun-loving, never-give-up, fickle, surface creature. There is so much more to see than just the surface, if only you would look...
It has taken me 10 years and many mistakes to realise that the only way to strive for perfection is to embrace the imperfections; to learn to love myself and accept myself for the way that I am...
There are those whose mission in life is to bring others down. Whenever they meet you, they always have a nasty comment to pass. It is this type of people who cause people like me to start loathing the very essence of themselves. To look in a mirror is a curse, to accept a compliment is the most difficult task in the world as, in the background, the criticism of others echoes...
But I have started realising that it is the same people that criticise who have the most to hide. Perhaps, by bringing to light my faults, they are shifting the attention off themselves....?
Why should I hide myself and hold myself back from the things I really wish to achieve just because someone once said I will never succeed at anything. Look at how far I have come...
And as I look back on the memories of this journey, I thank the people who have hurt and hardened me...you have made me realise how hard life really is for the emotionally disabled; I thank the people who have guided me and made me realise how amazing life is, how truly blessed we are for all that we have and how special we all are in our own ways and most especially I thank those who have criticised and commented on the way I look, dress, act, talk and walk...your words have broken the bubble around me and shown me that, despite what you think of me, I will never let you win.
I have so much more to achieve, so much more to experience and I wish to do it all with an open mind and an open heart, come what may.
So RIP Shamzy, you are no longer needed...Long Live Shamshaad!!
And if you are wondering what brought about the epiphany...It's simply realising I have a reason to smile when I am alone with my thoughts...
~Shamshaad~
No comments:
Post a Comment