Okay, that's a really bad comparison, but so apt for recent events.
My mind is a tangle of emotions and thoughts. I can no longer make any sense of what is important and what isn't. The people who mattered don't seem to matter any more and those who were never there are suddenly a rock-solid support system. Things that seemed so important a few months ago are not even worth a passing thought. Hopes, goals, dreams..they have all transformed into something new and a little bit scary...
WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!
I think back on the my "young" days as my birthday approaches. Life was much simpler back then - demand and you will get. Now that I have to work so hard for everything, I find that my "wants" have reduced drastically and my "needs" have simplified. But still, there are things that evoke mixed emotions with me. I have always had a soft spot for unusual things...teddy bears with unusual quotes, strange looking ornaments, unusual posters, etc. When I look into shop windows, I am transported back to schoolgirl days...I want, I want, I want...
There are people who are constantly on your mind...and when shopping, you think "Oh he would love that" or "she would definitely appreciate this" and then up comes the issue of finance..which sucks. I have this wish that (without actually playing) I would win the lotto one day and I will be rich enough to buy all that I like...
Then of cos, the past decides to come back and haunt me. As if trying to balance wants and needs wasn't taxing enough...all the people that I have tried to forget have popped up this year. Its supposed to be new beginnings dammit .not blast from the past...how am I supposed to move on if, every time I finally get over someone, they come creeping back??
I am by no means lil miss perfect and yes, I make a truck load of mistakes on a daily basis and I admit that I am not the prefect girlfriend. But really now, The things I have put up with and the ways I have been treated...appalling I tell you.
Now, I consider myself to be a strong and independent woman. I have survived this long without any major damage to myself and those around me. I have dealt with heartbreak in a manner I consider quite mature. I have packed away my bad memories, gathered my broken pieces and stuck myself back together, told myself I am worth it and have moved on...or so I thought. Never did I realise that I had come to rely on someone so much that, even though I was hurt so badly by them, as soon as they popped up again, my heart melted. Damn traitor!
But, I am still strong enough not to give in totally (hopefully). I do have an amazing lot of people whom i consider good friends and they are a great support in such matters...
Then, the other issue bugging me is work. I handed in my notice at the end of December, just before we closed for the festive season. Naturally, one always looks for opportunities from which one will benefit greatly. After all, we live in a society where things (supposedly) progress on a daily basis and we must swim along or be drowned..yes another bad analogy, but also a fitting one.
So I go in and hand in a resignation letter (the internet is a great source of professional letter formats I may add) and its accepted. Come the new year, while I am working in my notice period, news spreads that I am leaving and the interviews start. Gosh! Over the years I have learnt so much and I have never realised it. It was just part of my work so I did it. I had two days to teach a potential replacement all that I do...poor girl...I think i scared her senseless. It was like a magic act, pull the handkerchief and you keep pulling, there's no end. That's the way it seemed when I started explaining all that I do. So, naturally, she didn't come back the second day. But I really didn't mean to scare her. I was given such a short time to teach her, I had to fit in a lot..
Then came the second candidate. I was a bit easier on her as I had a bit more time. So I started with the very basics. Now I work for an accounting firm and even the admin staff have to do a bit of accounting. Its something you cannot get away from. And the work is really interesting so you are always being stimulated with new changes to Acts and Laws and Bills, etc. When I told her about that, she called it quits too - she didn't want to do any accounting work, only admin (this is where I roll my eyes repeatedly).
So anyway, here I am, two weeks left to work and suddenly I'm irreplaceable? Who would've thunk it that I would be the one that was hard to replace? So now, after all the drama, I get made a better offer to stay...
It bugged me a little bit...that only when I decided to leave it was realised that I am important. But, I'm over that now too..
However, I do wonder if change would have been good for me or not? I guess its a bit late to worry about that right now...
I am glad that I didn't leave though..learning a new (and very rude, I might add) boss's moods may be a bit more than I can handle. I am happy here, I like what I do, I (mostly) like the people I work with...
But a tumultuous mind continuously throws "what if's" my way and leaves me baffled at times when I should be positively moving ahead. The curse of a woman - Over thinking everything...
~Shamshaad~
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