There are days when I feel like the world is in the
palm of my hands. I am invincible. Nothing can bring me down,
nothing at all.
Often, all it takes is a very small incident to
change this feeling completely around. A harshly spoken word, a little
misunderstanding, someone being inconsiderate at a supermarket…these little
things can cause such a major disruption in an otherwise idyllic day.
People often don’t realize how their actions and
words affect the world around them. People usually underestimate the
power of a smile over a frown.
I started today in a good mood, even though I was
restless most of last night. I was jolly, dancing along with the music,
laughing, enjoying myself. Somehow, things changed. I began to feel
low and my whole mood became morose.
The catalyst? The phrase “What you bought for
me isn’t my taste - its rather ugly, go change it”. Being the “good”
person that I am, naturally I obliged. However, the complete mood swing
had already started.
It scared me how drastic the change was. On
my way home, the urge to accelerate instead of brake as I was approaching the
end of the road was so strong, I had to clench my fists to stop myself from
doing something drastic.
Does this incident mean I am classified as
suicidal? Perhaps bipolar is the cap that fits? Clinical depression? Or just a
plain old simple reaction to a sudden increase in the stress of daily living?
I’m rather fond of searching online for mental
tests. But, if my results are anything to go by, I should probably be
locked in a padded room wearing a jacket that lets me hug myself.
Lately, there has been a drastic increase of stress
in my work life. The work load has increased due to the sudden illness of
a colleague as well as a whole new type of job to be learned due to the partial
sale of the business. It hasn't been easy and a means of de-stressing
seems currently unattainable.
In this rat-race of life, there is barely time for
anything. It is a common misconception that, by living in a small town
instead of the big city, we lead a far more relaxed life. UNTRUE!
Yes, we do not have to face heavy traffic and leaving and returning home at
ridiculous hours just to have a career, but there are many other forms of
activities that ensure we are busy always.
And in this busy lifestyle, we sometimes forget
what it means to be nice to others. I am so guilty of this myself.
My two pet hates: Bad parking and bad shopping…and often I do not hesitate to
speak my mind about the matter…and very often I say it to the face of the
person concerned.
In my already bad mood, I trooped off to the shop
to exchange the ugly and in bad taste item. While standing in the que,
the woman behind me kept standing as close as possible and bumping me with her
packets. I kept moving and so did she. Eventually, I turned around
and said to her that no matter how many times she hits me with her packet, the
que will not move any faster. Needless to say, she wasn't too pleased
with me. Was I wrong? Not really…could I have handled the matter better?
Most definitely… did I care at the time? Nope, I was still ticked off because
of someone else’s remark. And that is how a chain of bad moods spreads.
This doesn't necessarily mean I am an evil and
vindictive person. Neither does it mean that those around me are saints
and put up with all of my nonsense. We are all human and humans are
flawed in many ways. We all like to think that we are better than
others. I find myself doing that a lot; when a problem arises, I tend to
downplay my fault and highlight the other person’s wrong. It’s unfair of
course, but such is human nature.
Changing to become a better person is actually
rather hard work. But the hardest step of all is realizing where you are
going wrong. I am stubborn as hell and refuse to accept that I am
wrong. But, later in the solitude of my mind, I do realize that sometimes
I’m just being an idiot. But building up that courage to go an
apologise…oh man is that a gargantuan task.
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching
lately. There have been many things that I have come to realize I do not
like about myself. Mahatma Gandhi said “Be the change you wish to see in
the world”. If I want my world and my surroundings to become better,
naturally I have to become better too.
This journey is long and hard and there are so many
curves. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth the effort. And then
I think about how bad I feel when someone is nasty to me unnecessarily.
Then I feel really bad about the way I treat some people.
Sometimes, this leads to a great amount of sadness;
sometimes it leads to anger and frustration at the world in general. But
these days it never leads to tears. I seem to have lost my ability to
cry. A friend recently said to me, perhaps I need a good cry to release
pent-up tension and wash out my eyes so I can see the world a bit more
clearly. Perhaps he is right. Only time will tell where this
journey of self-discovery takes me to next…a mental breakdown, a teary release
of tension, or perhaps I will just renew my ticket and carry on as I am…
~Shamshaad~
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