Who are you when nobody else is looking?

Who are you when nobody else is looking?

Personally, that is a very difficult question to answer.  I am still on a quest to find myself.  However, when I am left alone with myself, I find that I am often afraid of what I am faced with.  It is rather disappointing that I seem to make a better super villain than super hero.

Life has been a roller-coaster ride recently…a roller-coaster with a few loose nuts and in dire need of oiling.  I seem to be falling into an endless abyss of darkness…more downs than ups…

In this search for myself, I seem to be losing a lot more than I am gaining.  Perhaps my method of pursuit is incorrect…perhaps my map has been wrongly drawn.  I haven’t a clue as to what I should do next or how to read the guiding signs.

I find myself staring into space, trying to make sense of what I see.  And then I realise, I am on the outside, looking down into this snow-globe called Earth…

A shake here, and this bit is covered with snow, a shake there and that portion is left without water…it is a game and I am the clueless fan sitting on the stands and trying to make sense of the rules.  Sadly, my rule-book is for a different game.

There is this darkness within me that I am afraid to unleash.  What if it is a force beyond my control? 

Sometimes I wonder, if I pass myself on the street, what would I think of me?  Sometimes I wonder…why am I wondering at all? It isn't as if anyone cares really…

I don’t know if I am losing my mind.  How would I know if I were crazy?  Surely the world would still seem normal to me?  It’s just the people around me who would realise my strangeness…

I often fantasize about meeting myself.  Would I find myself at the bottom of the ocean trying to drown my sorrows?  Or perhaps at the highest peak of Mt Everest, having overcome all of my trials and tribulations…?

I do know that, right at this moment, I am floating in a sensory deprivation tank…I do not know what is happening around me… I’m operating on autopilot.  Every task is so meaningless to me.  As a teenager, I was very much an introvert.  Always with my nose in a book, I never took much notice of the world around me.  But…and a very big but it is…I was never boring.  Hobbies have a way of keeping you grounded.  A dog, a book, music, embroidery, baking, sport… okay…not so much of sport but still…

These days, if someone asks me, “So, what do you do for fun?” I am totally stumped for an answer. I've now decided to make some time for myself.  I've decided to become a little bit selfish.  I have begun practicing to say no when I cannot cope with an extra project and to finally do the things that make me happy.

This decision has been long overdue.  There is so much to be accomplished on a daily basis.  There just aren't enough hours in a day to do them all.  I guess prioritizing  is the key to success.  Complete the most important tasks first, then start with the most difficult of the non-essential tasks, leaving out the ones that can wait.

I need to redefine myself.  To find an identity that I am comfortable with.  Somewhere along this road of life, I really have lost myself.  The short temper, the sarcasm, the total lack of niceness within me…this seems to be the true me.

Was I ever a nice person? Was I ever in the least bit like-able?  I look at this monster that I have become and I wonder, what went wrong?? Was anything ever right?

Stress is a pathetic excuse for being a nasty human being.  My lot in life may not be perfect, but, by far, it is a lot better than many others’.  Surely I need to be more grateful for all that I have been given?  It’s all well and good to utter the words, practice is far more difficult.

I wonder how much of effort it will take to be a good person, as this descent into depravity hardly took any time at all.

They say the first step toward finding a cure is admitting to yourself that you have a problem in the first place.  So, this is me…taking my first step into developing a better me…

Forward; MARCH!

~Shamshaad~